


Through The Dark, Through The Door

by amethystfox



Series: I Could Live a Little More [2]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Belgium National Team, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, First Meetings, M/M, POV: Jan, except they're not really enemies, they just don't like each other at first
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 14:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,845
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29577420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox
Summary: Fall 2010Jan recognised the name of his roommate, but only from the youth international team. He knew almost nothing about Dries Mertens, except that this was his first call-up to the senior team for Belgium. He had no idea what he looked like, what sort of person he was, or even what club he played for.Hopefully Mertens wouldn't be too much of a pain.
Relationships: Dries Mertens/Jan Vertonghen
Series: I Could Live a Little More [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

Fall 2010  
Tubize

  
  
  


Jan dropped his bag on the bed with a sigh and looked around. The room looked much the same as any of the ones he had stayed in during training camp for the Belgium national team-- comfortable, but plain. It didn't really matter, since he only planned to come in here to sleep.

He looked down at the paper in his hand, his eyes running down the schedule for training sessions, information on the upcoming matches… then back up to the top, where his name was neatly printed alongside his room number and his roommate assignment.

He recognised the name of his roommate, but only from the youth international team. He knew almost nothing about Dries Mertens, except that this was his first call-up to the senior team for Belgium. He had no idea what he looked like, what sort of person he was, or even what club he played for.

_Probably just a kid,_ Jan thought dismissively, unzipping his bag to begin putting away the few things he had brought. Hopefully Mertens wouldn't be too much of a pain. He would much rather have gotten one of his friends as his roommate, maybe Mousa or Toby, or at the very least someone he knew.

_You can cope, it won't be for that long,_ he told himself. He did pride himself on his composure, his ability to get along with just about anyone, but it was just a little bit unnerving to think of sharing his living quarters with a complete stranger.

He had just finished stowing his toiletries in the bathroom when he heard the door open and close. He quickly ducked out of the bathroom. "Mertens?"

"That's me," came a cheerful voice. Jan rounded the corner to see a surprisingly short guy with nondescript brown hair and eyes standing in the middle of the room, still holding his bag and grinning at him. "So you're Jan Vertonghen, eh?"

"So they tell me." He reached out to shake hands and clap Mertens on the shoulder, a little taken aback by just how small the guy was. _He really is just a kid._

"Heard loads about you, of course, watched you play at the Olympics." Mertens dropped his bag carelessly on the floor by his bed and flopped down on it with a dramatic sigh. "You got to make the jump to senior pretty early, didn't you? I wanted to, but they had other ideas." He smiled a little wryly. "I think maybe they were hoping I would grow some more."

"Really?" Jan tried to keep his voice neutral as he stretched out on his own bed. _Isn't he even going to unpack?_

"Well, yeah, obviously," Mertens said, rolling his eyes before flashing Jan another cheeky grin. "Don't see too many guys my size at the very top, do you? But here I am."

"Here you are," Jan agreed, mostly just to have something to say.

"Better late than never, I say," Mertens said, yawning and stretching theatrically. "So when's first training? Can't wait to get out there."

Jan raised an eyebrow. "Didn't you get a copy of the schedule?"

"I think so, yeah," Mertens said, making no move to consult it. "But you seem like the type who's already got it memorised, so I figured you could tell me."

A flash of irritation went through Jan-- not at the assumption, because Mertens was right, he _had_ already memorised the schedule, but more at his roommate's carefree attitude.

"Even if I have, you should keep track of these things too, shouldn't you?"

To his annoyance, Mertens just laughed. "Aw, c'mon, big guy. Teammates should be able to count on each other, don't you think?" He frowned. "Are you saying I can't count on you?"

There was a note in his voice that suggested he was teasing, but Jan wasn't really in the mood to banter with this absurd little man.

"You need to be able to count on yourself," he said with a fair degree of irritability. "See you at training." He grabbed his phone and his room key and stalked out of the room to go find his friends. 

"You shouldn't let him get to you," Mousa told him when Jan was done complaining about the situation to him in the room that he and Toby were sharing. "That's just how he is."

"You already know him?"

"A little," Mousa answered in that soft voice of his. "He's been in the Eredivisie for a couple of years now, you know."

Jan blinked. "Really? What club?"

"Utrecht," Toby piped up, making Jan look at him in surprise. "Then he went to PSV in the summer."

"How did I not know that?" Jan asked, baffled. He had been in the top tier of Dutch football for years now himself, and he had thought that he was pretty familiar with the rosters of most of Ajax's rivals. In particular he usually kept a sharp eye out for Belgians playing in the Netherlands, but evidently this one had somehow escaped his notice.

Toby just shrugged at him unhelpfully. Mousa, however, had a glint in his eye that usually meant he was about to roast Jan for something or other.

"I mean, I suppose it's understandable, overlooking someone like him," he said smoothly. "Hard to see someone that small when you've got your nose in the air all the time."

"I do _not,"_ Jan shot back hotly. That was a sore spot, and Mousa knew it. He had done quite well at Ajax in the last few years, and people were beginning to talk about him as a rising star. He loathed the idea of becoming the worst sort of successful pro footballer, the kind that let the fame and money go to their heads, with inflated egos and no ability to connect with anyone outside that rarified social stratum. He wanted to make it, of course, he dreamed of winning trophies and titles and individual honours as much as anyone, but he was determined to stay the same person regardless of how rich or famous he might become.

Mousa knew all of that, of course, he just enjoyed needling Jan. He didn't laugh out loud at Jan's reaction, but it was obvious that he had been aiming to get a rise out of Jan, and he had succeeded.

"If you say so, Jantje," he said solemnly. "Anyway, he's just one of those guys who hates being serious when he doesn't have to. He's all business on the pitch, but off of it anything goes, from what I hear."

"What does that mean?" Toby looked confused. Mousa's eyes flickered between Toby and Jan for a moment, and Jan could see him make a silent decision.

"Just that he's a guy who likes to have fun," Mousa said smoothly. He met Jan's eyes then, and a signal passed between them that Jan understood perfectly: _I'll tell you later._

It was rare that something came up that Mousa wasn't comfortable discussing in front of Toby, though, so that was a bit of a surprise. He suppressed his curiosity, though, and sighed.

"As long as he isn't a clown on the pitch," he grumbled. He still would have preferred a less annoying roommate, but ultimately the football was what mattered.

They went straight to training from there, and Jan had to suppress a flash of guilt that he hadn't actually told Mertens what time they needed to be there. He was annoying, but he was just a kid, and Jan usually prided himself on looking out for the younger guys.

He wasn't sure whether to be relieved or surprised when they reached the training pitch and he spotted Mertens already there, jogging slowly around the edges of the field while everyone else filed out of the dressing room.

"Figured it out, then?" Jan asked him when he got within earshot.

Mertens gave him a sunny smile. "Somehow," he responded flippantly, then ran off, leaving Jan to stare after him.

He kept a casual eye on the kid all through training, and had to reluctantly admit that he did deserve to be here. He was quick and energetic, with a knack for popping up in unexpected places. Inventive. Agile. Tricky to defend against.

By the end of the training session, Jan was convinced that Mertens was a promising young talent, one that might be important for Belgium's footballing future on the international stage. He resolved to try to start over with him, work harder to be patient, maybe take Mertens under his wing. Jan was still young himself, of course, but he knew from experience how much of a difference it could make to have someone older step up to help a young player adjust.

He watched Mertens while they headed back inside, too, noting how easily he seemed to be getting along with… well, everyone, really. He was all easy smiles and exuberant laughter, bantering with the team as if he'd been one of them for ages.

He fell in next to Mousa on the way back inside, knowing that his friend would get the message. Sure enough, when Jan headed in a different direction from the others, Mousa followed after him, ducking around a corner so they could have a word in private.

"So what's the deal with this guy?"

"I've just heard rumours," Mousa said cautiously. "But I know a couple of the guys that played with him at Utrecht."

"And?"

"They said that this guy's… into a good time. Like he and his girlfriend have gotten caught before… in public."

Jan blinked in surprise. "Uh, okay. Why do I need to know that?"

"That's not the only rumour."

"Spit it out, Moose."

"Apparently he's not just into having fun with his girlfriend. One of the lads from Utrecht thinks he's been with other guys, too."

Jan froze. That was probably the last thing he had expected Mousa to say. He immediately understood why he had preferred not to have this conversation in front of Toby, though. Mousa knew that Jan was bisexual, but Toby didn't, and Jan preferred to keep it that way. The fewer people who knew, frankly, the better. Toby was his friend, but there was no way to know how he might react to finding out something like that.

But Mertens? This kid was apparently already into public sex and fooling around with men? If it was true, then Jan definitely should have a talk with him about the risks involved. It was an ugly truth that the world of professional football had lagged behind a lot of other parts of society when it came to that kind of acceptance. There were almost no players at the top level anywhere in the world who had come out of the closet, and there was no telling how long it would take for anyone to feel safe doing so, either.

He took a deep breath, let it out. Maybe it was for the best that he'd been roomed with Mertens, after all. It would give him a chance to try to have what promised to be an uncomfortable conversation in private.

"Thanks, Moose," Jan said, clapping him on the shoulder.

"Just don't tell anyone I told you, yeah?"

"Never." He grinned at his friend, then made his way back to the dressing room to get his post-training shower out of the way.

When he made it back to the room after dinner that night, Mertens was already there, sprawled on his bed again, intent on his phone. He didn't so much as glance up when Jan came in, didn't say a word.

"Good job today," Jan offered, setting his things down on the table by his bed and sitting down to unlace his trainers.

"Thanks," Mertens said nonchalantly, his eyes still on his phone. "You're not too bad yourself."

Jan snorted softly, but refrained from the sarcastic response that wanted to come out. "Talking to someone back home?"

"Yeah, my girlfriend."

"Yeah? I should probably text mine, too," Jan said, picking up his phone. _Girlfriend_ might not be quite the right word for Sophie, but he wasn't about to get into the nuances of their relationship with Mertens. Still, he knew she would want to hear about how he was doing, so he took some time to send her a few texts telling her about his day. He decided not to mention Mertens in any of them-- it was the sort of thing he wanted to be able to tell Sophie about in person.

After a couple of minutes, Mertens rolled over and sat up, then held his phone out. "Her name's Katrin," he offered. He had pulled up a picture of a fairly attractive blonde girl with lively, mischievous eyes.

Jan debated with himself for a moment, then pulled up a picture of Sophie to show in return. "This is Sophie. She's just graduated. Theatre." He smiled proudly, admiring the picture at the same time he held it out for Mertens to see.

"She's beautiful," Mertens said softly. "Kat's a year off from graduating. She wants to work in television."

"Really?" Jan said in some surprise. "Is she older than you?"

Mertens looked up sharply, one eyebrow raised. "What are you talking about?"

Jan blinked. "I just… if she's only a year off graduating, I just thought…"

"How old do you think I am?" Mertens cut him off. He moved to the edge of his bed, sitting directly across from Jan.

"Um, I don't know. Younger than me, obviously."

"What, because I didn't break through at senior level when you did? Or because I'm small?" Mertens's voice was caustic.

"No, I--" Jan felt himself floundering. He _had_ assumed that Mertens was a kid, and if he was honest it probably was based at least partly on his size. Mertens had to be around twenty centimeters shorter than he was.

"You don't know a thing about me, do you?" Mertens crossed his arms over his chest, scowling. "I knew who _you_ were. I've played against you in the league, more than once. But you didn't have a clue who I was until I turned up here."

"I'm sorry," Jan said. "I should have remembered you. I…" He fumbled for something else to say, but it felt inadequate. He'd intended to start over, try to help Mertens out, but nothing was going according to plan at all.

"For your information, asshole," Mertens said, leaning forward and jabbing a finger into Jan's chest. "I'm the same damn age as you. People always think I'm a kid because of my size, but I can't fucking help that. I'm pretty used to it from the press and the fans. I didn't expect to get the same patronising bullshit here, though." He stood up, grabbed his phone and key, and left without another word. 

Jan winced at the _slam_ of the door behind him. "Fuck," he muttered, running a hand through his hair. "Good job, genius."

He debated whether to go after Mertens, but decided against it. For one thing, he didn't want the whole camp to know what a jerk he'd been, which they would if he and Mertens got into a screaming row in the corridor. For another, if he'd been in Mertens's place, he would have much preferred to be given space to cool down before trying to work it out.

He lay back on his bed with a sigh, turning his phone over in his hands. He didn't really know what to do, and he wished he could talk to someone, get some advice, but he didn't know who. Sophie was on holiday at the moment. Mousa was unlikely to be sympathetic. He could probably go to the manager, but with the recent changeover he was hesitant to go that route. He didn't have a relationship to speak of as yet with Georges Leekens, didn't yet feel comfortable talking to him about anything approaching a personal issue, the way he did with his manager at club level.

Finally he unlocked his phone, pulled up his contacts, and tapped _Home._

_"Hello?"_

"Hi, Mam, it's me," Jan said, smiling at the sound of his mother's voice. "How are you?"

_"Oh, everything is fine here,"_ she said, sounding surprised. _“But isn't it the first day of training camp? Is everything all right?"_

"Yeah, it is, and I'm fine," he assured her. "I just… well, I kind of got into a fight with my roommate, and… I needed someone to talk to."

_"Oh, Jantje,"_ she said with a sigh. _"What happened?"_

He explained as quickly as he could, leaving out what Mousa had told him of the rumours about Mertens's private life.

_"You know what you need to do already, don't you?"_ His mother's voice was gentle.

"I guess I do," he admitted. "It's just…" He let out a long sigh. "Mam…"

_"Yes, darling?"_

"Am I selfish?"

_"Of course not,"_ she said immediately. _"Why would you think that?"_

"I'm worried I might be starting to get… I don't know, full of myself, and…"

_"Listen to me,"_ his mother said firmly. _"You are a good man. Perfect? No, of course not, but no one is. I am so proud of you, Jantje. Not just because of your success, although of course I'm proud of that too. But I'm proud of who you are, the man you've grown to be. And I have every confidence that you'll do the right thing and sort this out."_

He had to smile. "Thanks, Mam," he said softly.

_"You're welcome, darling,"_ she said, and he could hear her answering smile in her voice, as warm as a caress. _"And who knows? Maybe once you've sorted it out, maybe you'll end up with a new friend."_

He laughed a little at that-- he couldn't begin to imagine that he and Mertens would ever be friends.

"Love you," he said. "I'll try to come by after international break is done."

_"That would be wonderful. I love you, too."_

He set the phone down with a sigh. His mother was right, as she usually was. He did know what he had to do.

The problem was that he couldn't seem to get a chance to do it. Mertens came back to the room late that night, after Jan had already gone to sleep, and was up and out the door while Jan was still in the shower the next morning. At breakfast, at training, at lunch, he wouldn't meet Jan's eyes, wouldn't say a word to him, wouldn't give the slightest hint that he even heard Jan when he spoke.

"I don't know what to do," he confessed to Mousa and Toby in despair at lunchtime. "How am I supposed to apologise properly if I can't ever talk to him?"

"He'll have to come back to the room eventually," Toby said with a frown. "Can't you just wait for him?"

"I can't stay up til all hours waiting on him," Jan objected. "I've got to get my sleep, you know that."

"Then you're just going to have to find some other way to get him to stand still long enough to listen," Mousa said unhelpfully.

Jan ground his teeth together, biting back the urge to snap at Mousa. The last thing he needed was to alienate his actual friends while trying to fix things with someone who would probably never be his friend.


	2. Chapter 2

After training that day, he went straight back to the room, not even bothering to shower or change. He used the time this gained him to rehearse what he wanted to say, trying to steel himself for whatever Mertens might say.

He flinched when the door finally opened, but he gathered his courage and stayed where he was, sitting in the exact spot he had been when Mertens had stormed out last night.

Mertens didn't look at him when he came in, didn't say a word. He dropped his things on the floor by the bed, where a small pile of clothes was forming. The mess irritated Jan, but it was the last of his worries right now.

He waited, but Mertens still did nothing to acknowledge that the room he'd just entered was occupied at all. He dug in his bag, pulled out a small laptop and a pair of headphones, and sat on his bed, all without so much as a glance at Jan.

"Mertens," Jan said tentatively, realising that he had to take the opportunity now.

No answer.

_ "Mertens." _

The only response was a beep from the laptop as it booted up. Mertens picked up the headphones, put them on, went to plug them in.

"Goddammit, Dries, just listen to me for one fucking minute," Jan snapped, louder than he'd really meant to.

It worked, though. Mertens's head snapped up, and he pulled the headphones off again. "So you  _ do _ know my name," he said sweetly. "Fancy that."

"I-- look, I'm sorry, okay? I am. I didn't mean to--"

"Forget it," Dries brushed it off. "I know you didn't."

"You-- what?"

"I know you didn't mean to be an asshole. I'm just sensitive about it sometimes, you know?"

"Yeah," Jan replied quietly. "I get that."

"Don't really see how you could," Dries said with a hint of bitterness. "Big strong guy like you. What would you know about being the little guy?"

Jan bristled at that. "It's not like I was born tall," he shot back. "And I've been the new guy, the outsider, plenty of times."

"It's not the same," Dries said dismissively. "Being new, that goes away. You don't get over being short by getting to know people."

Jan closed his eyes and took a deep breath, willing himself to keep his temper. "Look, I don't want to argue, okay? I just wanted to apologise for making assumptions about you. I… I'd like it if we could start over." 

Dries raised an eyebrow at him, scoffed quietly.

He held out a hand tentatively. "Hi, I'm Jan. It's nice to meet you." 

Dries looked down at Jan's hand, then up at his face. Jan tried to smile, though it felt forced.

Slowly, Dries smiled. He took Jan's hand, clasped it firmly. "Dries. I'm new here."

"I never would have guessed," Jan said before he could stop himself. He half expected Dries to snatch his hand back and yell at him again.

Instead Dries burst out laughing, reached out and ruffled Jan's hair with his free hand. "Hey, what do you know? Big guy even comes with a sense of humour."

"It's hard to believe, I know," answered Jan mildly.

"A little rudimentary, maybe, but it's a start," Dries said, grinning. "Maybe you'll get the hang of it if you're around me long enough."

Jan had to laugh along with him. "Sounds like a threat."

Dries just winked at him. "So tell me more about… Sophie, right? I think that's where we were before things went off the rails. What's she wanting to do with a theatre degree?"

Jan ducked his head in embarrassment, but pulled out his phone again to show Dries pictures of Sophie while he described her ambitions, her interests and her dreams. To his surprise Dries was an excellent listener, always ready with insightful questions and eager to hear more. Talking about her was easy at any time, but with Dries it somehow began to feel natural to share things he hadn't even told his friends. He hadn't told Mousa about how he and Sophie had agreed that neither of them were ready to get serious yet, so had agreed not to be exclusive just yet. He hadn't told Toby that he had already decided that if they ever  _ did _ feel ready to commit, he fully intended to marry her, that he was already certain he could spend the rest of his life with her. But he told Dries these things, and more, that night.

In turn Dries told him about Kat, about how they had been friends since they were children, how Kat had been tall and gangly for her age, so had often stepped in whenever anyone tried to bully Dries, who was always smaller than the other boys. How they had first kissed under a bridge near Kat's house and the family dog had given them away. How her father had sat him down for a serious talk, not to scare him, but just to get to know him better. It had ended with her father offering to let him have a sip of his beer and clapping him on the shoulder hard enough to bruise. How even now, when they had grown adventurous in their sex life, every time they did anything in some place they might be discovered, Dries thought of that dog and what a difference it had made in their lives.

They were so engrossed in conversation that they completely missed dinnertime with the rest of the team. Dries managed to wheedle one of the kitchen staff into heating up leftovers for them, which they snuck back to the room and scarfed in secret while they continued to bare their souls to each other.

Eventually, Jan's curiosity got the better of him. Dries had basically confirmed that at least some of the rumours Mousa had told him about were true-- he and Kat  _ did _ like to have sex in public places. He was dying to ask about the rest of it.

"So… are you guys exclusive?"

Dries tilted his head, giving Jan a sharp glance. "Now, why would you ask that?"

Jan felt himself blushing. "I already told you about me and Sophie," he said defensively. They were sitting side by side on the floor, squeezed in the space between the beds. Jan had his arms circled loosely around his knees and he hugged them now, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"You did," Dries agreed amiably. "Well, let's put it like this…" He scooted closer, put his mouth right by Jan's ear, and murmured, "More like the exact opposite."

"What… what does that mean?" Jan's skin was hot, he felt like he was burning up from the inside out.

Dries seemed impervious to the heat, though. He snickered. "What do you think it means? It means we fuck whoever we want. Sometimes together, sometimes not, doesn't matter. At the end of the day we're still stuck together like glue."

Jan shivered. He and Sophie hadn't quite gone that far. He bit his lip, trying to fight down the erection that was trying to develop.

Dries grinned at him. "Why did you really ask?"

"I… I asked around about you," he confessed. "After you pointed out that I didn't know a damn thing about you."

"Aha. And?"

"Well, you've just told me most of it's true."

Dries gave him a sidelong glance. "What's the rest?"

Jan opened his mouth, then closed it again. He was terrified of asking the question he so badly wanted to ask, terrified of what the answer might be, what it might mean.

"Hmm. Let's see if I can guess. You've heard that I take the idea of fucking whoever I want quite literally, yeah?"

"I--" Jan couldn't breathe anymore.

"What if it's true, huh? You going to run out of here screaming bloody murder? Call the papers? Or maybe just beat the shit out of me?"

"I would  _ never--" _

"Maybe not, but some people would, wouldn't they?" Dries's voice was more sad than anything now. "If it's true, then that's the risk I'd be running, isn't it? How the hell could I ever feel safe telling anyone the truth if I'm not absolutely sure that they aren't going to do any of those things?"

"You couldn't," Jan said quietly. "No one could."

"No," Dries agreed, sounding tired. "They couldn't."

"How can you ever be absolutely sure like that? About anyone?" 

A shrug. "If I had a foolproof way, I would tell you, but I can't. Sometimes you can't be absolutely sure. Sometimes you have to decide if it's worth the risk."

They fell silent for a few minutes. Jan's mind was a whirl of chaos, a thousand different thoughts swimming briefly to the surface and then getting sucked back under by the irresistible current. He hadn't trusted anyone like that, except for Sophie, not in his adult life. It was a scary idea, putting everything on the line, on such a fickle thing as trusting another person. It meant letting go of control.

_ You have to decide if it's worth the risk. _

He swallowed hard. "You asked, earlier… what I knew about being the little guy," he said slowly. "Well, you're right, I don't know much about being physically small. But I know something about having a secret, something that makes you vulnerable. About trying to hide it. At least with being short, it's out in the open, you get used to it, you can be proud of it." He shook his head ruefully. "I don't know if that makes it any easier. But hiding is just… exhausting."

Dries was quiet for a moment. "Maybe you don't have to hide," he whispered.

Jan picked up his head, turned to look at Dries. He noticed with mild surprise that Dries's eyes weren't brown, as he had first thought. They were a gorgeous hazel, green and brown with dazzling flecks of gold. 

"Maybe it's worth the risk," he whispered back, searching those eyes for the answer to the question he was and was not asking. He couldn't have begun to define the answer he saw there.

Quickly, as if he couldn't quite believe he was going through with it, he leaned in close and brushed his lips lightly against Dries's. It was barely a kiss at all, but it was all he felt brave enough for. 

He closed his eyes, too afraid to look directly at Dries now, and held his breath. His heart was hammering in his ears, so loud that he felt sure everyone at the camp must surely hear it.

He heard Dries exhale, then tip his head forward so that his forehead was resting against Jan's. "Bit of advice?" he whispered.

"Yeah?"

"In general, if you don't want people finding out you like to kiss boys, it's usually not the best idea to kiss one you've known for all of a day."

The bottom dropped out of Jan's stomach at that. "I'm sorry," he mumbled, terrified, pulling away. "I didn't--"

Dries silenced him with a finger to his lips. "Nothing to be sorry for. I'm just saying, it's  _ usually _ not the best idea."

"Usually?" Jan repeated cautiously. "But with you…?"

"Oh, with me it's absolutely a good idea," Dries said, his voice softening to a purr. His hand stole around to the back of Jan's head, tugged him in close again, and then his lips were on Jan's again, soft and gentle.

A host of butterflies took flight in his stomach. He had kissed boys before, but it had been a while, and none of them had been any more experienced than himself. He supposed it wasn't really any different than kissing a girl, when it came down to it-- but somehow it wasn't remotely the same. 

Dries, on the other hand, kissed as if he had been waiting for this moment all his life. It was sweet, but somehow playful too. Dries didn't yield to him, nor take the lead, but somehow made it seem like a game, one with rules that he understood and Jan didn't, but no less fun for that. He nibbled on Jan's lip, flicked his tongue teasingly into Jan's mouth, only to withdraw coyly when Jan tried to respond.

Jan let out a slightly exasperated huff when Dries moved on, kissing his way down Jan's jaw, then up to nip lightly at his earlobe. "Can I ask you something?" Dries breathed in his ear.

"Sure," Jan mumbled, feeling out of his depth. He had never met anyone like Dries before, and he had a feeling he never would again.

"You skipped your shower, didn't you?"

Jan blushed to the roots of his hair. "Sorry," he muttered, pulling away. He had completely forgotten about that, but he suspected he wasn't terribly pleasant to be so close to at the moment.

Dries's laugh, silvery and mischievous, echoed in his ears even after he had beaten a hasty retreat to the bathroom.

He showered quickly, his mind racing and his heart beating in his ears. He had never expected to end up kissing his roommate, not here. He absolutely could not afford to let rumours start going around about him the way they had about Dries.

Realistically, the safest thing to do would probably be to put the brakes on and not let the situation get any more out of hand than it already had. They would only be roommates for another two days, then they would be travelling for their next match and the odds were decent that he would draw a different roommate at the next hotel. 

Two days, that was all. He could resist Dries for two days, surely.

After he had showered and brushed his teeth, he realised to his chagrin that in his haste he hadn't taken any clothes into the bathroom with him. He wrapped a towel around his hips and took a deep breath before he opened the door and slipped back out into the room.

Dries was lounging on Jan's bed, lying on his stomach and playing with his phone, idly kicking at Jan's pillow with one foot. He glanced up when Jan came out of the bathroom, and his face lit up when he took in the sight of Jan in nothing but a towel.

"Much better," he purred approvingly. He had changed into what Jan assumed he planned to sleep in, a plain white t-shirt and a pair of soft, loose grey shorts. He propped his chin up on one hand and grinned up at Jan. "Now where were we?"

"Um," Jan mumbled, feeling as though his brain had gone missing. "I… I don't know."

"Well, why don't you come over here and we'll see if we can remember, hmm?" Dries patted the bed beside him with a wink.

Jan tried to object, but it was in danger of being overruled by the part of him that absolutely did want to give in, the part that couldn't see past Dries's sly smile and his beautiful eyes, all green and gold and brown. He sat down on the edge of the bed, feeling awkward. He studied the floor at his feet for a moment, trying to think of something, anything, to say.

There was a pause, and then the bed shifted under him as Dries sat up, scooted up beside him.

"What's up?"

"N-nothing," Jan said, stumbling over the words. "I'm just… tired. It's late."

Dries was quiet for a minute. When he did speak, he sounded…. defeated. "Okay. If… okay."

Jan glanced up, almost surprised that Dries wasn't more insistent. He didn't really strike Jan as the type to give up without a fight.

Dries wouldn't meet his eyes anymore. He got to his feet and went back to his own bed, pulled the covers back and crawled in, facing the wall.

Jan stared after him, at a loss. He was frankly taken aback by how readily his plan had worked. All he had to do now was get some pyjamas on, get in his own bed, and go to sleep. By tomorrow maybe the spell would have lifted, and he'd be able to get on with things without the distraction that an entanglement with Dries promised to be.

But he hadn't expected Dries to take it quite so hard, either. When he had resolved to distance himself from whatever was happening, he hadn't even considered that it would only seem like rejection to Dries.

He dressed slowly, keeping one eye on the silent form of his roommate, his new friend. He forced himself to get into his own bed, feeling like a heel. He got the lights turned off, lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling, stewing in his guilt.

He finally spoke up when he couldn't stand it anymore.

"It's… it's not you. At all. I just… I just can't."

He held his breath and waited, listening for any response, any sign that Dries had even been awake to hear him, but the silence stretched on and on. He let out his breath slowly, trying to decide if he should say anything else, but before he could make up his mind he was asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

When Jan woke up the next morning, Dries was gone.

He wasn't surprised, really. The more he replayed the previous night in his head, the more he realised he had been expecting Dries to let him have it again. From Dries's perspective, he certainly deserved it. He had more or less led Dries on, only to reject him after taking a moment alone to really think about what he was doing. He'd acted on a moment of fear at the idea of rumours spreading about him. Rumours that didn't even exist yet.

He stared at his face in the bathroom mirror for a long time, thinking. The certainty that he'd felt last night, that distancing himself from Dries was the right thing to do, was fading, replaced by a growing doubt. He'd never connected with anyone as quickly as he had with Dries, once they had gotten over the initial awkwardness and actually talked. It had felt like they had known each other for years, and he hadn't had a single doubt in his mind that he could trust Dries with his most closely guarded secrets.

Why had kissing Dries suddenly changed that conviction?

He showered quickly, trying to suppress the guilt that was threatening to overwhelm him. Even as he washed his hair, soaped his body, he could hear, again and again in his memory, the hurt in Dries's voice when Jan had brushed him off last night.

_ You're a good man, _ his mother's voice whispered in his mind.  _ You already know what you need to do. _

He scrambled into his training kit before he was even properly dry, suddenly eager to find Dries and apologise to him. Again. He combed his hair, brushed his teeth, growing increasingly irritated with himself. He wasn't used to having problems getting along with people, but here he was, faced with the need to apologise for the second time in two days.

He hurried on to the canteen, hoping to spot Dries over breakfast, but without luck. He ignored Toby trying to wave him over to their table. He didn't even sit, just turned to head right back out the door, grabbing a muffin and an apple to eat while he searched.

If he wasn't in the room and wasn't at breakfast, where would Dries be at this hour? Training didn't start for another hour and a half, but Jan poked his head into the gym and out the door to the training pitch anyway, but with no luck.

He was about to start combing the entire camp to find his complicated little roommate when he realised that he'd left his mobile in the room. Seized by a sudden hope that maybe Dries might text him, he hurried back to the room, resolving as he went that if Dries hadn't tried to contact him, then he would sit down and text him immediately. They had to sort this out.

When he opened the door to the room, though, he stopped short. Dries wasn't there, which didn't surprise him. What did surprise him was the sight of Axel Witsel, who he knew fairly well, sitting on Dries's bed, unpacking his bag.

Axel glanced up when he came in, nodding once in acknowledgement. "Hey."

"Hey," Jan responded automatically. "What… I mean, where's Dries?"

"Mertens? Don't know. Manager said he wanted me to switch rooms with him, is all I know, so here I am. Better than rooming with Lukaku, that kid takes forever in the bathroom." He grinned up at Jan. "You're stuck with me, I guess. You better not snore, is all I'm saying."

Jan didn't join in the laugh, and Axel's smile quickly changed to a frown. "Something wrong?"

"What? Oh, no, sorry, just didn't sleep well." He hastily clapped his new roommate on the shoulder, then took his leave again, needing to be alone.

He leaned heavily against the wall outside the door. Dries had requested a room switch. It was what he had wanted, last night, the chance to put some space between them, to cool whatever madness had taken hold of him when he had looked into Dries's eyes. It was probably for the best, really.

So why did it sting so much?

He went through his morning robotically after that. He went back to the canteen, not because he was hungry, but because he had no desire to do anything else and because it was where he would be expected to be. He sat with Toby and Mousa, ignoring their attempts at conversation, staring into the bottle of water he had taken, not hearing a word from either of them. When they got up and left the canteen, he followed them out the door, followed them mechanically through the rest of the morning routine. A visit to the kit man, a quick interview, then out onto the training pitch once their breakfast had had a chance to settle. None of it succeeded in pulling any of his attention away from the guilt that was building inside him.

It was beginning to coalesce into something ugly inside him, something that he knew how to deal with, but not here. If he'd been in Amsterdam, he would have known what to do. He would have known who to call, make an appointment with, where to go. But even if he knew how to find a Mistress here, he wouldn't have dared. He didn't have the time-- or the privacy.

No, he had to deal with this on his own, at least for now. He couldn't take the time to try to punish himself, and he wasn't sure he had the strength for another confrontation with Dries. All he could really do was to try to apologise to him, then give him the space they both needed.

It was a gutting thing to have to accept, though. It felt like trying to come to terms with a bad breakup, for all that he'd only known Dries for a couple of days and all they had done was kiss. The feeling he had had, as if they'd known each other for years, seemed to be making this all the more painful now.

When he finally spotted Dries coming out of the doors, talking and laughing with a couple of the other new boys, it felt like a slap in the face. Dries's manner was carefree, ebullient, exactly as he had been yesterday and the day before, as if nothing at all had happened. 

He bit back a quick flare of something like resentment and tried to casually make eye contact with Dries, just to see if he could at least try to let Dries see in his eyes that he was sorry. But every time Dries looked his way, or talked to someone nearby, he looked through Jan as if he weren't there at all.

Resentment faded into hurt. He had thought that they'd found something special, together, but now Dries seemed to have cut him off with brutal efficiency.

_ I thought he liked me. _

It took concerted effort for him to focus on training that day, but even so he could tell that Mousa, at least, noticed that something was wrong. He didn't say anything, of course, not until after they were having lunch in the canteen, not even until Toby had gone to the toilet.

"So what's up with you today? Mertens still won't talk to you?"

"More or less," Jan said with a sigh. "How did I manage to put my foot in it so bad with this guy?"

Mousa didn't answer for a while. When Jan looked up from his tray, he found his friend studying him thoughtfully. "You like him," he said simply.

"What? I mean-- yeah, he-- he's not so bad," Jan stuttered, feeling his ears beginning to go pink.

"That's not what I mean." Mousa was still studying him as if he were a particularly perplexing puzzle in the newspaper. "Never seen you like this before."

"Don't know what you're talking about," Jan said, trying to sound casual, though he had a feeling he was falling short of the mark.

"If you say so. Just watch yourself, okay?"

Jan stared at Mousa, at a loss. "I'm not…"

Whatever feeble excuse he had thought to offer was mercifully cut off by Toby rejoining them at the table. Jan quickly turned his attention back to his lunch, happy to sit in silence while his friends talked around him.

_ Mousa wouldn't comment unless he thought it was important. I've got to get this sorted out. _ He resolved to find Dries, talk to him, if only to say to him in person the things that didn't feel right to say over text.

He wasn't able to get Dries alone at any point during the rest of the day, not until they were done and had the rest of the evening off. He debated asking if anyone had seen him or knew where he was, but that might make people start to wonder why Jan was so eager to find him.

Instead he wandered around the camp, trying to make it seem like natural restlessness, but always keeping a sharp eye out for the bewildering little man that had thrown his entire world into disarray.

He finally did find Dries near sundown, walking slowly around the track that looped around the training pitch, his head down and hands in the pockets of his training jacket. Jan felt a lump form in his throat, seeing how small Dries looked like this, how alone.

"Dries."

"Go away." Dries didn't even pick up his head, didn't look at him.

"I just wanted to talk to you--"

"You did enough talking last night." Dries stopped, kicked at a stick that had fallen from a nearby tree.

"All I said was that I was tired--"

"Please. That may have been the flimsiest excuse I've ever heard. You weren't  _ tired _ at all before you took your shower. What happened, huh? Did you have a little freak out that someone might find out?"

"I'm sorry, okay?" 

"Doesn't matter," Dries said curtly. "Just stay away from me, and it'll be fine."

"I just thought… maybe we could still be friends," Jan offered feebly.

Dries snorted. "Maybe someday. Not today."

"Please," Jan pleaded, feeling his eyes begin to prickle. "I… I really like you, I do…"

"Not enough though, huh?" Dries's voice cut through him like a knife. "I don't know what your problem is. If you didn't want to kiss me, fine, you didn't have to, nobody put a gun to your head. But I don't like being jerked around."

"I do want to kiss you," Jan said miserably.

Dries scoffed. "I don't think you have the slightest idea what you really want. If you want to be friends, well, I need time. But I don't really have the energy to help you get over your hangups. If all you wanted was to be friends, you should have just left it there."

Jan opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He put his head in his hands, trying to stem the pain, but it didn't help. He could feel Dries watching him, knew that if he didn't say something else, Dries would walk away from him, and possibly out of his life.

He realised he was crying, but he didn't care. He'd never met anyone like Dries in his life, someone who was actually proud of everything he was, who revelled in loving whoever he pleased. Jan had known he was bisexual for ages, but had never imagined finding the level of comfort with it that Dries evidently had. He wished with all his might that he could be like Dries, or at least be near Dries, but his insecurity and fear seemed poised to rob him of something that could have been special.

He swallowed, took a deep breath. "You said that you have to decide if it's worth the risk. And it's a pretty big risk. I think maybe I panicked, last night. I needed… well, I needed to take the time to think it through."

"You could've just said that," Dries said, but his voice was just a touch softer, not so sharp.

"I should have. I'm sorry." He bit his lip, then steeled himself. "I understand, if you don't… don't want to… but I'd like another chance to try."

Dries made a noncommittal noise. "Well… maybe it wasn't entirely fair for me to expect you to be in the same place as me right away like that," he said slowly.

"I've never done this before," Jan said in a small voice. "I'm not brave like you. I'm sorry."

He could see Dries's eyes soften. "I suppose everyone deserves a second chance. Or a third," he said, and that teasing note was back in his voice.

Jan flushed, squirming with embarrassment where he stood. "They say third time's the charm, right?"

"There's definitely  _ something _ charming about you," Dries agreed with a warm smile. "So, no pressure, no expectation. What is it that you want from me?"

"Um." Jan floundered awkwardly for a moment. "I really like you, and even if that's all it ever is, I do want to be friends." He took a deep breath, then looked directly into Dries's eyes. "But… I still want to kiss you, too. Beyond that, I don't… I don't know." 

"That's okay," Dries answered, stepping right up to Jan, ducking under his arm and winding his arms round Jan's waist. "We can go at whatever pace you like. I'll just be happy that I get to do this."

He hugged Jan tightly around the waist, planting a kiss square in the middle of his chest. Jan flinched, but after a moment's hesitation his arms went around Dries as well.

"I think you're brave," Dries whispered, turning his head just enough so that his words wouldn't be smothered in Jan's shirt.

Warmth filled Jan down to the tips of his toes. "Thanks," he mumbled. "I don't feel very brave, though."

"That's okay. Any time you don't feel brave, I'll just have to remind you." He grinned up at Jan, and he was utterly adorable, his eyes sparkling in the dim light of the setting sun.

"I really want to kiss you right now," Jan whispered.

"Sounds like fun to me, but maybe not out here."

Jan might have pointed out that he knew that perfectly well, but he could tell that Dries was teasing him again. He found it didn't annoy him in the slightest now, though. He just dropped a hand to Dries's waist for a light pinch, just enough to make him squirm and squawk.

"Where do you suggest, then? You very cleverly got us put in separate rooms, remember?"

Dries made a face. "I did, didn't I. Think Axel will switch back?"

Jan laughed. "I think if we ask, he's going to get awfully suspicious."

"Hmm, true. Well, I'm the new guy here, remember? You know of any good hiding spots?"

Jan considered for a moment. He wasn't quite as into exploring every inch of a place as Toby was, but he did know of a couple. "Come on."

A few minutes later saw them squeezed into a largely unused utility closet, trying to stifle their breathless giggles. It was cramped, but there was enough space for them both to stand upright, albeit pressed up against each other. There were a couple of shelves with various cleaning products on it and a utility sink with a small stretch of countertop next to it.

"Well, it's not much, but I guess it'll do," Dries whispered. He reached up, caressed Jan's cheek with one hand. "You said something about kissing?"

Jan shivered at the touch, then put his hands on Dries's waist, lifted him off his feet and sat him on the counter, which brought him closer to level with Jan. "Hmm, did I?"

Dries laughed softly and took hold of the front of Jan's shirt, tugged him closer. "You definitely lured me in here with the promise of some kissing," he murmured, leaning into Jan's space.

"Well, I guess I can't go back on that then, can I?" Jan breathed.

"Definitely not," Dries breathed back. His hand crept around to the back of Jan's head, pulled him in, and somewhere in the near-darkness of that little closet, they managed to find each other.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from _A Million Dreams_ from The Greatest Showman.


End file.
